


Vhenan

by Jarino



Series: Rima Lavellan, Herald of Andraste [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Asexual Inquisitor, Asexuality, Demisexual Lavellan, Demisexuality, F/F, F/M, Guilt, Light Angst, Past Relationship(s), Pre-Dragon Age: Inquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 22:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9847868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jarino/pseuds/Jarino
Summary: No matter how much she wants to, Rima can't find it within herself to say it back. It's more than a term of simple endearment. It's an expression of utter love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So...I haven't posted anything in over three months. Oops.
> 
> On top of excessive schoolwork, I've also been struggling with massive writer's block. Whenever I did have the free time to write, I just couldn't get the inspiration to work on anything. Somehow or other, I managed to come up with this.

“We should be getting back soon…The Keeper will be wondering where we are…”

Rima could feel her hair being carefully swept over her shoulder, followed closely by the soft brush of lips.

“Relax, lethallan. You worry too much.” Fiora’s words were murmured quietly, her hands gently exploring the expanse of Rima’s naked body. Her companion’s breasts were pressed flush against her back and she released a satisfied sigh when Fiora’s curious hands began to caress her own chest. “We’re merely bathing. And you spent such a long time training…She will understand.”

“Perhaps, but…Ah!” Rima’s train of thought was cut off when Fiora began suckling her neck, and as her eyes fell shut in bliss, she leaned back into her friend’s embrace. “I have to…mm…be a good example as First…and…”

“Forget about the clan for a while…” Fiora whispered softly, punctuating her words with kisses along Rima’s neck. “You can train to your heart’s content come morning, but for now…” Slowly, she turned Rima around so that they could meet one another’s eyes. After a beat of silence, Fiora carefully closed the distance between them and gently pressed their lips together. Glancing up into her partner’s eyes, she pleaded, “Stay. With me.”

Rima gazed at her silently before answering with a kiss of her own.

They continued bathing one another even after the sun had long since dipped behind the horizon.

\-----

“…Sometimes it feels like you’re not even here.”

Fiora’s tone of voice had her glancing up from her tome in confusion. Her companion was faced away from her, leaning against the wall of her aravel. “What makes you say that?”

She glanced at her briefly before turning away again. “You spend all your time with the Keeper these days. It’s impossible to get a moment alone with you.”

Rima’s brows furrowed in puzzlement and she slowly set the book aside. “Fiora, we’re alone now…And besides, I’m busy because of my training. You know that.”

Fiora whirled on her then, her eyes filled with hurt. “You say that every time. Creators, I _know_ you have responsibilities as First, but don’t you think I have duties as a hunter as well? I can still afford to make time for you, but it’s like you never _want_ to spend time together anymore.”

Chewing on her lip, Rima looked down at the floor. “That’s…not true…” she muttered softly, but she wasn’t even sure if she believed her words.

“See, right there,” Fiora said in irritation. “Even when we _are_ together, you either spend all your time reading that damn book or daydreaming. I used to _like_ that about you, but now I know you’d just rather be anywhere than with me.”

“Fiora, I-”

“Don’t lie to me,” she snapped, her hands balling into fists. “Whenever we kiss, I might as well be kissing a wooden board. You’re just…” She cut herself off in frustration, tearing her gaze away.

Rima looked away guiltily, unable to respond. She knew she was right. When the two had first gotten together, she’d been excited beyond words. She looked forward to seeing her every chance she could get and cherished every moment they spent together. But as the months went on, that feeling seemed to dissipate more and more. The passion of the early days of their relationship was gone and in its place was a vast canyon of apathy. She still cared for her friend greatly, but no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get into the romance any more.

When Rima refused to say anything, Fiora let out a noise of frustration. “So that’s it, then? And here I’d thought…”

Her voice trailed off, prompting Rima to glance up at her slowly. Tears were silently streaming down Fiora’s face, her hand covering her mouth as she tried to suppress her crying. Rima was on her feet in an instant, cupping her companion’s face delicately in her hands. “Ir abelas, lethallan,” she whispered with a pained voice, stretching forward to press her lips against her forehead. “You deserve better than me.”

Fiora gazed at her sadly, attempting to blink away the tears, before embracing her in a tight hug.

They’d both known this was coming for a long time now, deep down. But even though their relationship as lovers was no more, Rima refused to lose her as a friend. She cared for her too much to let that happen.

\-----

Staring ahead at nothing in particular, Rima began gently rubbing her forehead. The wound had finally healed over, but her skin was still tender from where the vallaslin had been applied. Beside her sat Harith, her current partner of four months. He’d dragged her away from camp, wanting to take her mind off her current troubles, but he wasn’t doing a very good job. She’d stopped paying attention to his words a long time ago.

He gently trailed his hand down her side, murmuring words of enthusiasm that she barely heard.

“…I spoke to the Keeper earlier. It took some convincing, but I think she came around to the idea.”

“Hm…” Her response could barely be considered an answer, but it was enough of a reaction to motivate Harith to keep talking.

“I can’t wait. There are so many places along the Minanter River that I’ve been dying to show you.” He began rubbing circles into her hips, pulling her closer so that he could rest his chin on her shoulder. “It’ll be just the two of us for a whole three days. Aren’t you excited, vhenan?”

Rima nodded absently, her attention directed elsewhere. He kept using that word as though it were the simplest thing in the world. And yet she could not bring herself to say it back. It seemed too big, too heavy for what she felt for Harith. It was more than a term of simple endearment; it was an expression of utter love.

But what did it mean to love someone?

She loved her parents and her uncles, and her feelings towards Keeper Deshanna were of a similar nature. However, the love she felt for her family and her clan was different than what she had felt for Fiora, and even that could not quite be considered love...not in the way Harith was expressing it. She connected with her on a deeper level than she had with most, but at the end of the day, as much as she enjoyed their time together, she simply didn’t feel the same way.

And the same could be said for Harith. She felt happy whenever she was in his presence, yet whenever he spoke of his attraction to her, she grew quiet and distant.

It only served to remind her that his feelings were not reciprocated; at least not to the same degree. Guilt would build up in her throat and she found it hard to meet his gaze. Was she leading him on? Or had she simply not spent enough time with him yet? Surely she would fall in love with him one of these days, right? That was how it happened, right?

It had been that way for her uncles, and later her parents…They hadn’t gotten married from the get-go, after all. They’d spent years building their bonds before choosing to accept their partner for life.

She had plenty of time to figure it out, yet…whenever she tried picturing herself building a life with Harith, she simply…couldn’t. And somehow, she knew that all the time in the world wouldn’t be enough for her to fall in love.

“The Keeper won’t be expecting us back for another hour or so…” Harith continued, bringing Rima back to the present. Slowly, he lowered her onto his bedroll as he gradually crawled on top. “In the meantime…I have a few more things I’d like to show you.”

She closed her eyes in response, telling herself it was because she wanted to savor his touch. And when her hands drifted to lie submissively above her head, she tried to convince herself it was because she was offering herself willingly and not because she had no interest in caressing him in return. She was supposed to want this.  This was supposed to feel _good_.

Yes, there was no denying the satisfaction she felt when his hand dipped beneath her smalls, but the pleasure was merely on the surface. She felt no deep, aching want for him beyond her desire to reach a climax. In truth, she just wanted it to be over already.

She kept her attention focused on the canopy of trees above them, tried to ignore his desperate pleas as he thrust into her.

“Ma’arlath, emma sa’lath…I…I…Oh, _Rima_ …”

She shut her eyes as he reached his climax and she slipped her hands between her legs to reach her own end as well. He was panting heavily as he collapsed beside her, too focused on his pleasure to notice her discomfort. Eventually, he reached out to her and drew her close, his length resting awkwardly against her backside.

She didn’t mind this part so much. While their current position was a tad uncomfortable, for the most part, she enjoyed the cuddling and the afterglow of their coupling. However, just as she was beginning to settle down, he whispered a heartfelt sentence. It was something that would bring most people joy. Instead, it filled her with nothing but dread.

_“Ar lath, ma vhenan.”_

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be an exploration of Rima's past relationships along with her demisexuality. (Along with an explanation for why she never uses the term "vhenan" with Cullen. I imagine she'll say it one day, but it will take quite some time for her to come around to the idea.) 
> 
> This piece is a bit more personal than some of my other works, if only because Rima's relationships are based almost directly on my own past relationships. Some of her thoughts during her encounter with Harith are also incredibly similar to thoughts I've had myself. 
> 
> I don't see very many Inquisitors on the asexual spectrum, and while most of them are written well, I do come across the occasional instance where it's a non-ace person writing what they think an asexual person sounds like. While there are some people who are sex-repulsed, plain and simple, most of the time, it's much more complicated than that and that was what I hoped to convey here.


End file.
